Lolly Loonies Bucks Costly by any name . . .

[Denis Salter]

Dear Colleagues,

To misquote Eric Blair (no relation to Tony, I hope):
"Everyone is born equal but some are more equal than others."

This just noticed.  Petti Fong and Rebecca Wigod in the *Vancouver
Sun*--

Vancouver byline: [abbreviated form is mine]: "UBC is giving
professors $25,000 bonuses to prevent them from going to more
lucrative positions in the private sector and at bigger Canadian
universities and those south of the border.

"Professors in the computer sciences and the computer and electrical
engineering departments will be given the immediate payouts after
threatening to leave UBC for better-paying jobs.

"While the university has given bonuses in the past based on merit
to individual faculty members, it has never singled out whole
departments for special payments.

"The payouts have angered faculty members in other science
departments, such as zoology, chemistry, physics and botany,
who will not get similar raises.

"Michael Davies, the head of the computer and electrical engineer-
ing department, said there is an immediate need to recruit more
faculty and retain existing teaching staff.

"'If we want to recruit the best young PhD graduates in the field,
then [sic] we have to be ready to pay them salaries close to
what they aspire to,'" said Mr. Davies. "'The demand for their
skills has been increasing and if you look around at today's
industry and the rapid growth, there are issues that
need to be addresed.'"

"Universities in Alberta and Ontario [sic: big place, Ontario]
are planning major expansions to their computer departments,['"]
said Mr. Davies, ["'] and UBC must keep up.['"]

"Across the border, the University of Washington, two hours [sic] south
in Seattle, has increased wages for some of its computer professors
from 22% to 99%.

"The bonuses at UBC, which could be as much as 25% of a professor's
salary, will be given to 25 faculty members in computer science
and 30 in the computer and electrical engineering departments.

"In the last year, UBC's two departments have lost eight [note:
eight!!] faculty members, an unacceptably high number, according
to Debora Sweeney, acting director of public affairs."

Whew!  Has anyone given [note that this verb and its variations
appear 4 times in the article; interesting choice of word, I
would suggest; when was the last time you were given something
for working--I thought we "earned" our increases--however, I shall
eschew pedantry, tempting though it be in this case] much
THOUGHT and FEELING to the kinds of inequities and forms of
dissent that these increases will, ahem, give rise to?

Oh: the headline of the article, as rpt in the NP (12 July
2000) gives one pause: "UBC answers professors' threats
to leave with $25,000 bonuses."  Thinking plain, as Blair
urged us to do, I feel obliged to ask: does this mean:
(1) that once they have their $25,000 bonuses, they will leave?
(2) that . . . actually, I find it hard to read this another way.

Would those on the ground at UBC please help interpret this
article?  By which I mean: how does what the article tries to say
square or not with what is actually happening?

The substance of the article is, not that I need to say it,
full of ambiguous statements.

It also has some delightful howlers. E.g. so the U of W
(just two hours away: you could keep your house in Vancouver)
"has increased wages for some of its computer professors
from 22% to 99%."
Nos. are not my forte. So forgive the lack of understanding on
my part. X's salary is 22%.  22% of what?--some base figure, I
assume/presume.
X's salary is then increased; X is given a salary of 99%.  99%
of what?--the same base figure?--is this a reasonable conclusion?

Thus, once X was paid 22% of what X was worth (?); and now X
is paid 99% of what X is worth.
This is still 1 % short, isn't it, of what X is worth, which
surely would be 100% (?)

But that is south of the border.  Perhaps they do math differently
there.  I guess that all depends on what they are given to work
with and for.

I am confused.  It is very hot and very humid in Montreal.
At least there will be no jealousy at McGill, apart from the jealousy
that already exists as a result of differential salaries that
seem what the market demands, to some, and what greed will require,
to others.  McGill, indeed no university in Quebec, is mentioned.

Now, as for Harris's Ontario and Klein's Alberta: where are
the rampant salary increases going to be given to keep the
best and the brightest (and the youngest)?

This is all worth a Mordecai roasting; an Aislin caricature or
four; is Dr Foth still on the circuit?  I hope so.  Dr Foth:
where is your rakish wisdom appearing these days?

In academe, ALL IS NOT WELL.  Under this title in Bill
Casselman's latest:

"The puck isn't going his way."

"We'll need all hands on deck and the cook."

"There is always something to keep the rabbit's tail short."

"Up shit creek without a paddle, or, in a purely Canadian euphemism:
up the well-known stream without the necessary means of conveyance."

[And Canadian culture is said, like that 'south of the border,'
to be getting ruder.  Tssskkk. ]

"It's better than a kick in the ass with a frozen boot."

"Oh, pipes! Or: I got piped!"*

Bill helps us out a tad with the last one. *"This indicates
anything negative, like getting hurt or into trouble.
It appears to be a regionalism of very restricted locality,
but it has been reported by several people who grew up in
Nobleton and Schomberg, Ontario."


I hope no one finds any of the above Canadianisms somewhat
rank.

As a euphemistically-entitled Canuck, I of course didn't
cite any of our N.S. sayings.  Rank, you say?  Yes indeed.

DWS

This is a restricted access zone. 365/7/24 configurations are
denied entrance.


Denis Salter
4965, avenue Connaught
Notre Dame De Grace
Montreal [Qc]
H4V 1X4
(514) 487 7309
No Fax
<cyws at musica.mcgill.ca>; soon to be changed to
<d.salter at sympatico.ca>
31 May 2000